My name is Mark Appel.
I’ve been playing pro baseball since 2013 and writing online since 2023.
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I recently read a quote by Parker Palmer from his book, A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward an Undivided Life.
I can't stop thinking about it:
“The deeper our faith, the more doubt we must endure; the deeper our hope, the more prone we are to despair; the deeper our love, the more pain its loss will bring: these are a few of the paradoxes we must hold as human beings.
If we refuse to hold them in the hopes of living without doubt, despair, and pain, we also find ourselves living without hope, faith, and love.”
– Parker Palmer
I sat in my "perch" that first Sunday back in Houston. This is my name for my usual seat at church. It's up in the balcony, off to the side.
I like it because I can see everyone on the main floor. If I lock eyes with someone I know, I'll give a smile and a wave, but that's about it. But I really like it because I don't have to actually engage with anyone. It's the spot for us who need some space from the "togetherness" of a Sunday morning. I'm not great at masking my emotions for the sake of small talk.
"It's hard to explain what I'm actually grieving. Over the last two years with the Phillies, I was part of this beautiful ecosystem. An ecosystem that was complex, dynamic, and healthy. It allowed me, and others, to thrive. It was teeming with life. And I don't have that anymore."
Ben listened to me as I shared during our regularly scheduled Thursday afternoon counseling session. He's a good listener.
Whether big or small, disappointment sucks. It hurts. It confuses. It leaves me with questions. It frustrates. But ignoring disappointment doesn't help.
The hardest part is that it tells me things I don't want to hear. Disappointment feels like a quick and lethal dose of honesty.
I follow Cal to the manager's office. Walking in, I shake hands with Rob Thomson, Dave Dombrowski, Sam Fuld, and Caleb Cotham. Cal sits down. I sit down.
Then Dave speaks:
"Mark, we are going to release you."
Anxiety is the natural reaction. When the future is uncertain, I want to take control, grip tighter, be the master of my destiny. My counselor describes anxiety as having "a focus on the future, but a vision for today." You are are so focused on the future, you lose sight of today.