When Disappointment Speaks
March 31, 2023 | Season 1, Issue 3
Welcome to MLB Opening Weekend.
Top prospects are making their Major League debuts. The best pitchers in the game are toeing the rubber. All Stars are back in the lineups. Wins and losses matter again.
But, for the first time in my life (against my will), I am not suiting up for a team. And I'm one of a handful of players who have given their lives to this game without a job on Opening Day.
Excitement abounds throughout the baseball world, but for some of us, disappointment is a harsh reality.
I expected one thing and got another. This weekend, I expected to be putting on my jersey, preparing to pitch. But I'm watching from my couch. I expected to be healthy. But I'm injured. Again. I expected to have a chance of getting back to the MLB. But I'm once again far from my dreams.
I expected everything to be so very different.
When Disappointment Speaks
Whether big or small, disappointment sucks. It hurts. It confuses. It leaves me with questions. It frustrates. But ignoring disappointment doesn't help.
The hardest part is that it tells me things I don't want to hear. Disappointment feels like a quick and lethal dose of honesty.
A few things it might be telling me:
"You weren't good enough."
"You thought too highly of yourself."
"You thought you have more control that you actually have."
"You trusted someone you shouldn't have."
All of these are variations of the heart of disappointment's message: "You didn't have an accurate view of reality." As if life is a book written in foreign language and my translation guide is faulty.
Disappointment always comes because I expect a certain outcome, then something 'other' and 'less than' happens.
Dealing with disappointment can make or break me. I know this from experience.
When I was drafted in 2013, I expected to be in the Big Leagues within a year or two. Others did too. Analysts, the front office, coaches, teammates, fans. And of course, I believed in myself.
At the start of each new season, I expected that year to be 'the year.' Season after season I would tell myself, "This is when it happens, when I make my debut." But every year, disappointment stormed in. I eventually made it, but it took me 9 years. One shy of a decade. And only when I wasn't expecting it to happen.
The struggle of not living up to my (and others') expectations was immense. It broke me. Over and over, it broke me. I suffered under its weight, waking up every day to disappointment. I became depressed. I gathered negative thoughts. Cultivated them. Grew them. I learned to expect bad outcomes. I learned their inevitability.
Disappointment was speaking and all I heard was shame.
The Disappointment / Shame Cycle
My biggest issue in dealing with disappointment is believing I can always prevent it. I believe the outcomes of my life are solely dependent on my efforts.
If someone left me hanging, I should've been more discerning about who to trust. If I tried and failed, I should've worked harder. If I got hurt, I should've done more to prevent injury. Every disappointment in my life is my fault.
See where I'm headed?
Shame takes a damned past and creates a doomed future. Because I'm the reason for my disappointment, I'm tied to those disappointments so long as I'm me. And I'm always me. So, how could I expect anything good to happen when everything is my fault?
I want to expect good things to happen. But if I'm candid, I know bad things happen all the time. I won't be able to prevent all disappointments. It seems that, for some reason, disappointment is woven into the fabric of life.
And this disappointment produces shame. Then, shame expects more disappointment. It cycles.
I am left with a tension between my desire to believe good things can happen and a disappointing reality.
When I get to this place, it feels like I can only do one of two things:
Lower my expectations. When I lower expectations, I am disappointed less. It is hard to fall short of my bar when my bar is sitting an inch off the ground. But, when I lower my expectations, I also lose motivation to work for things that are worth working for. I become so scared of failure that I'd rather sit on the sidelines. Better to not play than to lose.
Maintain blind optimism. Expecting everything will go well is a more positive way to live. But, when things inevitably don't meet my expectations, disappointment rears its ugly head. I lived this way for years, beaten down by disappointment again and again. Eventually, I ran out of the blind optimism and lowered my expectations. All roads lead to disappointment.
But what if there is another way?
The Way of Wisdom
If low expectations and blind optimism are the ditches on either side of a road, then wisdom is the road. Wisdom filters what is right and true about disappointment's message, turns my attention to today, and provides another way.
Disappointment says, "You weren't good enough." Wisdom says, "But you can be. Keep working."
Disappointment says, "You thought too highly of yourself." Wisdom says, "Practice humility, not shame."
Disappointment says, "You thought you have more control than you actually have." Wisdom says, "Stay disciplined, your efforts matter."
Disappointment says, "You trusted someone you shouldn't have." Wisdom says, "It's not your fault. Forgive."
Disappointment is an accuser sentencing me to shame. Wisdom is a teacher reminding me of truth and instructing me how to live.
Wisdom teaches me that I am not in control. I don't know the future. And I couldn't possibly know it. There are too many factors I am beholden to that determine outcomes.
Yet, wisdom also teaches that, in general, good things come to those who live well. To those with discipline. To those who are honest with their shortcomings, then work on improving. To those who have calculated and chosen optimism, not blind optimism. It teaches that despite the unpredictability of life, my thoughts, words, and actions matter and can help create a better future.
Don't Believe the Lies
The lie of disappointment occurs when it tells me that disappointment is certain. The error is when I believe it.
Wisdom points me to truth. Wisdom doesn't fight against inevitable disappointment with blind optimism, but instead replaces it with perspective.
And this perspective puts expectations and disappointment in their proper context, which is a wild and unknown future. Wisdom tells me I can positively affect my future by making good decisions today. And though disappointments will come again, wisdom tells me to embrace the truth and keep working.
As I deal with today's current disappointment, I will not forecast a blind optimism. I will not assume my shot will come tomorrow, or the next day, or the next, only to be left disappointed if it doesn't happen... But I will not lower my expectations either. I know I can play again, and it'll happen at the proper time.
So, what will I do? I will get to work. I will practice humility. I will be disciplined. I will forgive. And I will stay in 'today.'
“Know also that wisdom is like honey for you:
If you find it, there is a future hope for you,
and your hope will not be cut off.”
